


three o'clock in the morning

by whitchry9



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Depression, Gen, Mental Illness, POV Second Person, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-03
Updated: 2014-06-03
Packaged: 2018-02-03 05:30:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1732838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whitchry9/pseuds/whitchry9
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>you cover it up, but you're still depressed</p>
            </blockquote>





	three o'clock in the morning

you cover up pain with makeup for early morning press conferences

you cover up sadness with smiles with shiny perfect teeth

you cover up emptiness with drinking until you can't remember your own name

you cover up tragedy with things you craft with your own hands to prove to yourself that not everything is destruction

you cover up loneliness with friends that you make for yourself because they won't ever leave you

you cover up heartache with sleeping around and going 12/12, technically anyway

but none of it helps when you end up in a cave

 

you don't have time to be depressed then, because every ounce of energy you have is devoted to survival

because yes, you want to survive

you may have doubted it before, in your superficial life, but now you really want to live

 

so you survive and he doesn't and you go back home and it hits you like a brick wall, like the sand dune did when you fell out of the sky

 

cause you're still depressed

 

so the first thing you do (okay, maybe second, after the cheeseburger, but it doesn't count)

the first thing you do is shut down weapons production because there is enough blood on your hands, in more ways than one, and it stops now

 

you patch yourself up because it seems fitting that you never really had a heart

and now that you might have one, it's run on batteries, just like pretty much everything else you love

 

you build another one, because he told you not to waste it

so you build another one, and you're almost happy, because flying is fantastic

you save some people, and it should make a difference, but it doesn't, not really, because there's so much more you have to do still

you fall and get up a bunch more times, because you know that's what you're supposed to do

you're not sure if you're doing it for any other reason than because you're supposed to

whatever

 

one of the few people you love tries to kill you, and nearly succeeds

he takes everything that you have away from you

you kind of want to let him, but you don't, because you're already so far into the red you don't know if you'll see the black again

but you try

you save the girl, and you happen to make it too

 

you tell the world, like it'll make you feel better

(it doesn't)

 

 

* * *

 

 

your life saving device starts killing you and it's justified

a countdown, a time limit, because you've lived too long already

you're overdue

 

you're dying and it hurts but you deserve this because you're only going down, down

you don't want to take them with you, so you give her the company and him his own suit

 

you do your best to protect them and you can't, so it's almost justified that he takes everything away from you, using your tech, your ideas

but somehow you manage

 

you don't die, and it feels hollow, because you deserved to

but apparently some people need you

 

 

* * *

 

 

you're doing better, sort of

it's not all darkness and pain and emptiness

only some of it is

 

but then there are aliens and you're supposed to be on a team

but there's the man your father adored and you can't possibly measure up to him

 

you don't bother to correct him when he says those things about you

maybe you want to agree with him

 

either way, you prove him wrong, and you think it'll be over, and you're almost glad, in an odd sort of way

like a wistful longing for something new

but you fall back into the broken city and everyone seems happy to see you, so you smile and make a joke

 

and repeat

**Author's Note:**

> title is from the quote: in a real dark night of the soul, it is always three o'clock in the morning, day after day


End file.
